


Superhuman Gays and Pizza

by Humansunshine



Series: Rainbow Dinner Parties [3]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: F/M, Friendship, Immortality Talk, M/M, Magnus Bane & Simon Lewis Friendship, Mutual Support, References to Captain America: The Winter Soldier
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-08
Updated: 2018-05-08
Packaged: 2019-05-04 00:44:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14581209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Humansunshine/pseuds/Humansunshine
Summary: Magnus and Simon spend an evening watching a movie and doing face masks together.





	Superhuman Gays and Pizza

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ffsdownworlders](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ffsdownworlders/gifts).



> I fiNALLY gave Elias the funny fluffy Magnus/Simon brotp fic they deserve! Hope you like it boo!
> 
> If you haven't read the rest of the series, you can still enjoy this - all you really need to know is that Simon's living in Magnus' loft in the guest room.

Magnus shrieked the morning that he walked into the kitchen to see Simon’s bare ass. 

“Huh?!” Simon jolted, clutching the counter as his eyes flew open. “Oh, shit!”

“Why are you naked in my kitchen?!” Magnus magicked a towel around Simon’s waist, putting his hands over his eyes. 

Simon spun around, clutching the towel. “I am so sorry! I sleepwalk sometimes, I’m so sorry, I had no idea I was still doing it!” 

“You sleep naked?!” 

“Don’t you?” Simon asked, padding sheepishly past the older man. “It’s comfy, you should try it.”

“What’s going on? Magnus?!” Alec burst into the room, wielding a seraph blade, his eyes still half-closed. 

“It’s alright, Alexander,” Magnus assured him, shaking his head to banish the image of Simon’s ass from his mind. “Simon was sleepwalking naked and I wasn’t expecting it.”

Alec hummed, nuzzling into Magnus’ neck. “Mmmmkay. That’s weird.”

“I’m going to work on a potion that’ll stop you from sleepwalking. Today.” Magnus told Simon pointedly, running his fingers through Alec’s hair.

“Hey, at least it wasn’t Alec who walked in on me, right?” Simon laughed nervously, and Magnus snorted. 

“I’d have been scarred for life,” Alec muttered.

Simon huffed, “hey, come on, I have a nice body.”

“You could have the nicest body in the world,” Alec drawled, straightening up, “and I’d still be horrified knowing it was attached to you.”

“Wow, hurtful.” Simon put a caffeine-infused blood bag in the microwave. 

“Because we’re friends, dumbass,” Alec sighed, scratching the back of his head.

“Awwww, Alexander, you’re so soft in the morning,” Magnus cooed. “He’d never admit that in the light of day.”

Simon beamed, punching Alec lightly in the arm. “That’s nice, dude. I like you too.”

Alec grumbled, snuggling into Magnus’ neck. “Are you coming back to bed? I have to work late tonight so we won’t be able to cuddle later.” 

“Ah,” Magnus sighed, “really? I was looking forward to doing our facials together. The masks go off tomorrow.” 

“Sorry, babe,” Alec pulled back. Magnus couldn’t help but noticed how much cuter a sheepish Alec was with bedhead. “I tried to get out of it, I promise.” 

“I know you did,” Magnus nodded, booping Alec’s nose. “It’s alright.”

“Hey, I’ll do those facials with you! I haven’t done a face mask in like a month!” Simon volunteered, “it’ll be like, cute housemate bonding. We can watch a movie, maybe I could pick up some plasma, a bottle of wine for you…” 

Magnus raised his eyebrows, smiling a little. “That actually sounds really nice, Simon.” 

Alec pointed at Simon, one eye shut. “See, that’s a great idea. You guys should do that.” He insisted, relieved to be off the hook for missing date night. “Meanwhile, we should probably go back to bed to get in our… You know.”

“Yeah, it’ll be fun!” Simon enthused, but Magnus and Alec were giving each other a rather heavy look and heading back to the bedroom, so he legged it back to his room to get dressed and make a hasty exit from the loft. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Hey, Magnus, what do you like on pizza?” Simon called from the guest room, holding his phone to his shoulder. 

“Just get the meatiest one!” Magnus replied. “You don’t have to get me pizza,” he insisted, poking his head around the door, his hair pushed back with a headband.

Simon waved him away as he put in the order, and Magnus rolled his eyes, going back into the living room to flop down onto the couch. He was secretly quite excited to have a boy’s night in; he didn’t have many male friends, and the ones he did have were always busy, like Luke, or too cool to hang out with him, like Raphael. This had been his thing with Ragnor, once upon a time, watching mundane films and putting on face masks. Magnus smiled faintly at the memories, his heart a little heavy. As Simon came back into the living room, the comforter from his bed in his arms, Magnus shifted up on the couch to make room. 

“So… They just added like half the MCU to Netflix. Wanna watch one?” Simon asked, pouring a little plasma into a whiskey glass. “Fuck, I forgot ice.”

“No need to worry,” Magnus put his hand on Simon’s arm to stop him from getting up, and conjured a couple of ice cubes into Simon’s glass. “And sure, I’m afraid I’m terribly behind. I haven’t seen a Marvel movie since… Guardians One?” 

Simon gasped, a look of genuine distress on his face. “Have you seen Cap Two?”

“Uhh… What happens in it?” 

“Well, I can’t spoil it if you haven’t seen it!” Simon pointed out. “It’s the one where Steve hangs out with Tasha at the beginning. And he flirts with the cute veteran.” 

“Then no, I don’t think I have.” Magnus squinted, trying to recall. “Nope, doesn’t ring a bell.”

Simon shook his head, pulling up the search bar and typing it in with vampiric speed. “You’re gonna love it. It’s so gay. Like… Not, like, canon gay, but… Gay. It’s literally about Steve trying to save his boyfriend. Like they don’t say they’re boyfriends, but no-one does all this shit for a bro.” 

“Wait, is it that cute brunette with the sexy New York accent from the first one?” Magnus asked, picking up his wine glass. 

“The very one.”

“I’m sold,” Magnus announced, “we all know about my weakness for kind-hearted, rebellious brunettes.” 

Simon beamed. “I’m flattered, my dude, but I have a partner.”

“I’m-” Magnus looked at Simon with disbelief. “I’m talking about Alec.” 

“Oh!” Simon choked, nodding quickly. “Yeah, shit… I forgot Alec existed for a second.” 

Magnus narrowed his eyes at the vampire. “I’m not sure how such a thing is possible but I’m willing to overlook it considering you’re supplying me with superhuman gays and pizza.”

As they settled in to watch the movie, Magnus put his bare feet up on the coffee table, his toes curling around the edge of it. He’d been worried that Simon would be the type to talk through movies, but he was perfectly quiet, relaxing into the sofa with his legs crossed, nursing his glass of plasma. When the doorbell rang, as Captain America was blatantly flirting with the cute veteran, Magnus raised his hand to conjure the pizza from the delivery person’s hands before remembering that that wasn’t quite the polite way to do things. 

“I’ll go, I’ve seen this movie a dozen times,” Simon muttered, disappearing to pay for the pizza. Magnus teleported some cash from his desk drawer into Simon’s hand as he opened the door. After a quick exchange with the cute delivery woman (why were they always cute?) Simon came back, scowling playfully at Magnus. “I said I’d pay!”

“You have no income, I’m not eating your savings.” Magnus pointed out, taking the pizza from Simon and putting it on the coffee table, his stomach growling right on cue as he reached for a slice. It was a little hot, so Magnus blew a little magic across it, humming as it immediately cooled to the right temperature.

“Dude, that’s awesome. You have magic breath!” Simon said, awed. 

Magnus shrugged, chewing on the pizza. They went silent again as the action in the movie started to heat up. “When’s the hot bisexual one gonna be in it?”

“What-? Have you seen Steve Rogers?” Simon whispered.

“He’s too big.” Magnus sniffed, “I have a rule about men who are bigger than me.” 

Simon side-eyed him. “I cannot relate. Like… At all. Besides, Alec’s pretty big.”

“Of course you’re a size queen,” Magnus snorted, shaking his head as he reached for another slice, eyes on the TV. “And yes, Alexander’s big. Honestly he’s the biggest man I’ve ever been with. My rules sort of went out the window when I met him. But for the record, I’m bigger than him in every way except height.”

Simon gaped at him. “I could have gone my whole immortal life without that information, my dude. Also, you know what a size queen is?!” 

Magnus smirked, slinging his arm around the vampire’s shoulder. “Darling Simon, I was there when they invented the term size queen. Nice boy, his name escapes me, but…” He shrugged, patting Simon’s chest before retracting his arm.

“Damn. I bet you’ve seen some shit.” Simon chuckled. He poured himself another helping of plasma, glancing between the movie and Magnus. “I was thinking… About the immortality thing.” 

“Yeah?” Magnus paused the movie, crossing one knee over the other. “And?”

“Is there any way you could make Alec immortal?” 

Magnus reached for his glass of wine, looking at his knee as he took a long, slow gulp of it. “That’s dark, dark magic, Simon.” 

“Yeah, but… It’s possible?” Simon asked, tucking his legs underneath him. “‘Cause you know that’s basically where this whole argument you two have is going, right? Alec’s just as stubborn as Clary. He’s not gonna let this go.” 

“Alec is a shadowhunter, Simon. A shadowhunter would never even conceive of going against the laws of nature, the laws of the angel. Shadowhunters are meant to live and die in Raziel’s service. For Alec to turn immortal, he’d have to turn his back on the angel. Can you honestly see him doing that?” Magnus scoffed. 

Simon smiled slightly. “For you? Yeah, I can. I know religious types, Magnus. I am the religious type. And Alec, he’s not it. I don’t know him all that well, but when he first met me and Clary, he wasn’t scared of the angel. He was scared of the Clave. And look how far he’s come since then. Downworlder cabinets, stealing weapons out from under the Clave’s nose, protecting Clary.”

“I suppose Alec’s never really mentioned any religious beliefs… And this generation of shadowhunters is more secular than ever. But still…” Magnus shook his head, “an eternity of commitment is a lot. And the Clave would take away his position, no doubt.”

“You guys also thought the Clave wouldn’t tolerate Alec being gay or dating you, but they did.” Simon shrugged. “The point is, if Alec asked, could you, or would you, make him immortal?”

Magnus shoved a slice of pizza in his mouth so he didn’t have to answer, and Simon smiled, knowing he’d given his friend something to think about. Simon unpaused the movie, and Magnus relaxed a little, distracted by the possibilities running through his head. He didn’t dare hope that Alec would ever ask to become immortal. Despite Alec’s insistence, despite everything, he still found it incomprehensible that anyone would want to be with him forever. It was just impossible. Fifty years was one thing, but five hundred? Five thousand? Even Magnus could barely comprehend that amount of time, and to spend it with Alexander? And for Alexander to want to spend it with him? Him, Magnus Bane? 

It was just too good to be true. 

He was still struggling to conceptualise it half an hour later, when he reached for a slice of pizza only to realise it was all gone. With barely a second thought, Magnus magicked his hands clean and reached for the little tub of beige goo on the table. Simon put down his glass, groaning a little. 

“I drank that one too fast,” he muttered, rubbing his stomach. “Be right back, I’m gonna get myself some proper food.” He disappeared into the kitchen, coming back a moment later with a pouch of blood and a straw. Magnus chuckled as Simon poked the straw into the pouch, slurping from it like a juice box. “Which mask did you get?” 

“Sacred truth,” Magnus shrugged, “it’s honey and papaya. Alexander’s very picky, he gets overwhelmed by strong smells; this is one of the only masks that we both like.” 

“Lemme smell,” Simon held out his hand as Magnus scooped a bit of it out on his fingers, smearing it across his cheek as Simon sniffed the little tub. “Wow, that smells delicious. And I’m a vampire.”

“You wouldn’t be able to eat it even if you were still mundane,” Magnus snorted, “or maybe you could, but it wouldn’t taste good.”

“It’s for mature skin,” Simon grinned, shaking his head. “Well, I’d say you’re certainly mature, considering you’re like a million years old.” 

“A million!” Magnus choked. “I should kick you out of my guest room for that. I’ll have you know I’m not a day older than 1000.”

“We both know you’re like 450.” 

Magnus smirked, putting a finger over his lips. “I wouldn’t be taken half as seriously if people knew I was that young.”

“Young,” Simon scoffed, taking a bit for himself and rubbing it over his forehead. Both of them kept one eye on the TV as they covered their faces, checking in with each other to make sure they hadn’t missed anywhere. Once he was done, Simon held out his sticky hands, looking around for something to wipe them on. Magnus waved his fingers and banished the mess, and Simon beamed at him as much as he could with a drying mask on. 

“It’s weird seeing you in sweats without make-up, you know.” Simon admitted, reaching for his blood pouch.

Magnus smiled, settling back into the couch after setting a timer on his phone. “Well, these are Burberry.”

“Of course they are,” Simon chuckled, stretching his arms over his head. “How did you get so rich, anyway? Because I cannot wait to reach this level of immortal, man. Houses all over, endless funds in the bank, a reputation that means no-one fucks with you… What age does that happen?” 

“Honestly, it’s only in the last 150 years that I became what could be considered rich,” Magnus admitted, “and the only reason I can afford clothes and things like I do is because I haven’t paid rent in years. I paid off all my mortgages decades ago. I’m thinking about getting a beach house, though. Bali, maybe. Somewhere Alexander and I can go to get away.” 

Simon nodded thoughtfully. “And I guess you sell potions and spells and stuff…”

“Well, yes, people pay quite well for magic. Vampires, unfortunately, can’t earn money that way. Well, unless they go into yin fen dealing.” Magnus shook his head. “They have to be a little more creative with their gifts.”

“How did Raphael make his money?” Simon asked, curiosity overwhelming him. 

“Private security,” Magnus answered, “he started out as a manager in Pandemonium, and he convinced me to hire a couple of fledglings as bouncers, and when other clubs asked me how I managed to keep my club so peaceful, I referred them to Raphael, and, well… The rest is history. I imagine you’d make a lot of money as a bodyguard with that thing on your head. You could work for Beyonce or something.” 

“That would be fucking awesome,” Simon’s eyes were wide with possibilities. “Or, like, a courier service, right, because I can run super fast.” 

“Exactly,” Magnus agreed, “that’s a good idea. A great idea, actually. You should look into it.” 

“You know what, I think I will.” Simon smiled, feeling a glimmer of hope about his future prospects for the first time in a while. He’d been pushing away worries about money and work for months now, since he became a vampire. It wasn’t like he could become an accountant anymore to support himself while he worked on music. And Heaven knew that he didn’t make enough from his music to support himself. 

Neither of them were really focussing on the movie anymore, both of them caught up in their own inner monologues, but they snapped out of it when the alarm on Magnus’ phone went off. Simon paused the movie, prodding at the dried mask. 

“Usually Alexander and I shower together to take off the masks, but I don’t think he’d be best pleased if you took his place in that particular tradition,” Magnus chuckled, getting up from the couch. 

“You see me naked once and now you’re thinking about sharing a shower? I knew I had a good ass, but this is-”

“Oh, be quiet,” Magnus snorted, rolling his eyes. “You can have the bathroom sink, I’ll use the one in the kitchen.” 

Simon’s mask cracked with how wide his grin was. “I’m still telling Alec you hit on me.”

“He wouldn’t believe you even if it was true,” Magnus shrugged. “You’d just earn yourself an ass kicking.”

“Good luck to him with this thing, he’d be scrambled shadowhunter.” Simon sniffed pompously, and Magnus laughed. 

“Did I tell you about the fight he tried picking when I took him out to Raw?” Magnus asked, amplifying his voice from the kitchen. 

Simon wandered into the bathroom, unsurprised when Magnus’ voice followed him in there. Magic was cool. “No? He picked a fight with a mundane?”

“He was so drunk,” Magnus grinned at the memory, his fingers testing the temperature of the water coming out of the tap. “He had two cocktails and he was absolutely lost to it. Alexander’s usually a little teddy bear when he’s drunk, but a drag queen said my make-up was basic, and he… Whew. He was trying to snark back, but as you can imagine, she wiped the floor with him. I was trying really hard not to laugh.”

“Oh my God,” Simon snorted, splashing his face with water. “Everyone knows you don’t get into a bitch fight with a drag queen.”

“Exactly!” Magnus laughed, pausing the story so he could scrub his cheeks clean. “So anyway it escalated and Alec scrambled up on the table and challenged her to a boxing match out in the alley for my honour.” 

Simon cackled, throwing his head back. “What did she say?”

“Oh, she politely declined and got him a glass of water. She felt a bit sorry for him, I think. Anyway, it ended with the two of them singing Grease together. Of course, the next morning he swore me to secrecy. Don’t tell him I told you.” Magnus dabbed a towel into his face as he came out of the kitchen, meeting Simon back in the living room. 

“No worries, I wouldn’t dare,” Simon assured him. “I wish I could say that I’m the Magnus in me and Maia’s relationship, but I’m definitely Alec. Though Maia is the angry drunk type,” he smiled a little at the memories of Maia ranting about downworlder rights after one too many tequila shots in the Hunter’s Moon.

Magnus was endeared by the softness in Simon’s face when he talked about Maia. “You and Maia are really cute together. I’ve known Maia a few years now, and I’ve never seen them quite as happy as they are now.” 

“Nah, I didn’t really do much,” Simon shrugged, rubbing his knee. “They’re just happy to be in college, I think.” 

“Don’t sell yourself short.” Magnus pressed. “You make each other happy. I’ve noticed you’re a lot less stressed these days even though technically you’ve got a lot to be stressed about…”

“Right now I’m feeling a little… Have you spoken to Maia in the last couple of weeks?” 

“Uhhh, no, I don’t think so. Why, what’s going on?” Magnus asked, switching off the movie. He could find out what happened between Steve and Bucky another time. 

Simon bit the inside of his cheek. “Do you know about their gross ex boyfriend Jordan?” 

“Yes, vaguely. Luke called me to the Jade Wolf shortly after he found Maia to deliver some wolfsbane. So I saw the aftermath of him, but they’ve never brought it up with me again.” Magnus explained, pulling the headband from his hair and fluffing it out a little. 

“He’s back in town. The Praetor Lupus sent him to teach me how to control my mark. I tried to cut him off, I don’t want his disgusting ass in my life, but…” Simon sighed, “Maia told him that he wasn’t to abandon me, so I kind of have to deal with him. And so do they. And I swear, Magnus, I just want to rip his head off every time I see him. I hate him. I don’t think I’ve ever hated anybody in my life, not really, but when I see him…” He growled under his breath, shaking his head. “I want to tear out his jugular. Honestly. I haven’t been bloodthirsty for a person since the first month after I was turned. But him? I’d…” 

“I understand,” Magnus nodded, patting his hand. “That must be awful. But if I were you, I’d look at it like this. Maia loves you so much, they want so badly for you to adapt to this new power, that they’re willing to face their abuser week in and week out in order for you to do it. Focus on Maia’s love. I know it’s easier said than done, but… Simon, that is a huge gesture from them. Huge.”

“I know,” Simon said quietly. “I can’t wrap my head around how difficult it must be for them. I don’t really know what to say, I don’t know how to play this situation. I can’t be his friend, but Maia wants me to work with him. And I can’t keep ranting about him, because Maia’s already suffered enough. They don’t need me to remind them how much of a shithead he is. So I don’t know how to approach this, any of it.” 

Magnus hummed thoughtfully. “I know that bitchiness doesn’t come naturally to you, but if it was me in your position, you bet your ass I’d be tearing the bastard down one snide comment at a time.”

“Maybe you should give me lessons.” Simon snorted, and Magnus’ eyes lit up. “No, no, I wasn’t serious…”

Leaping to his feet, Magnus conjured a free-standing chalkboard into the room, along with a bucket of chalk and a ball of string. “Alright, I need a memory of him,” he said decidedly, stepping closer to Simon.

“Are we really doing this?” 

Magnus looked at him steadily. “While I would one hundred percent help you hide the body if you decided to kill him, it would be awfully time consuming to cover it all up. I heartily recommend verbal sniping. That said, if you’d rather go through your training sessions in silence, that’s perfectly valid too.” 

“You’ve known me for almost a year, Magnus, have you ever known me to be silent? Ever?” Simon pointed out, and Magnus shrugged. “Alright, take my memory.” 

With a quick snap of his fingers next to Simon’s ear, a photograph of Jordan appeared in Magnus’ hand, and he stuck it up in the middle of the chalkboard. “Well for starters, he could use a good hairbrush.” 

“It kind of looks good in person…” Simon admitted reluctantly. 

“I seriously doubt it,” Magnus snorted. “Alright, let’s start with assessing your current sass level. Go on, insult me.” He raised his chin in expectation, putting his hands on his hips. 

Simon looked like a baby bunny that had accidentally found itself in the middle of a motorway. “Umm… You’re a bitch.” 

Magnus rotated his hand on his wrist.

“You’re a bitch, and uh… Your legs are too small for the rest of your body.” 

Fighting a smile, Magnus pressed his fingers to his lips. “Right. So we’re starting with the very basics, then.”

“Yeah, pretty much.” Simon agreed, scratching behind his ear.

“Lesson one!” Magnus snatched a piece of chalk out of the bucket and turned to the board. “Imagery. Your line about my legs would have been a lot more hurtful if you’d said something like ‘your legs look like they’d be more at home on a prize rooster.’ See how that’s better?” 

Simon chewed his lip, nodding eagerly. “Right, right.”

“Go on, try again. Insult me. Hurt my feelings, kid, make me cry.” Magnus enthused, bouncing on the balls of his feet a little.

“Your arms are so incongruous with the rest of your body look like they were ripped off popeye and stitched onto your body.” Simon said it like he’d just cracked the formula for warp speed, pointing at Magnus with a grin on his face.

Alec cleared his throat from the doorway, and the two men turned to look at him. 

“Ah…” Simon breathed, slowly lowering his arm. Magnus burst into laughter.

**Author's Note:**

> The next story in this series will probably be Maia and Simon coming over to Magnus and Alec's for cocktails. Keep your eyes peeled!


End file.
